Bachelor in Paradise Recap Episode 9: One Couple Leaves, Another Progresses
Just two more episodes to go! Will Ashley ruin everything for Caila and Jared? Are Wells and Jami a match made in Paradise? Can anyone convince Amanda Josh is a tool? I say a hopeful no, a skeptical no, and a No Chance. Here we go!
We dive right into the first of those questions as Jared reacts to Caila's announced departure. It's intended to be dramatic, but choosing between an attractive, seemingly normal woman and a clingy, crazy woman isn't difficult.
Ashley calls Caila "the kind of girl who likes attention". I'd say it was a pot and kettle situation, but it would require them to have more in common than brown hair.
Do I pick a future filled with this around every corner, or any other option? Hmmm...
Jared talks to Ashley, immediately triggering the waterworks. He answers with an entirely unenthusiastic consoling hug. I'm sure it's instinctual, but he has to cut off her supply of crying shoulders at some point. Luckily, he decides to leave with Caila. Knucks, Jared.
Ashley continues crying, placing the other contestants in a weird place between not wanting to encourage her embarrassing behavior and not wanting to outright tell her to grow up. Cue the cliches and awkward silences.
A look of pity from Evan might be a new life low. It has to be on the anti-bucket list (things you'd risk death to avoid experiencing).
Later that Night
The remaining contestants wait out the storm by discussing Wells's and Jami's unusually long date. They finally return, and apprehensive of a meltdown, Wells asks Ashley to talk. He did not prepare adequately; he's struck dumb by the question "so you're just kinda like, at a point where you're like, okay well I'm just gonna like try to mingle around this week?" accompanied by this face:
Giving up on talking might just represent strong survival instincts in this situation.
Wells wonders if she has emotionally matured, because he's an idiot. She's as cuckoo as ever! People don't rapidly mature on reality television.
The Next Day
Izzy comments on her strong feelings for Brett, reminding me she's on the show. As Wells struggles to balance the attentions of one crazy girl and one enthusiastic woman, a wild Lauren appears! If I remember correctly, she performed a ventriloquist bit on The Bachelor.
Shushanna, who I have no recollection of, arrives shortly. She doesn't seem accustomed to walking in heels:
Bad news, Shushanna: there's a bunch of sand at the end of those steps! If only there was some way for you to have prepared!
Despite her awkward gait, Shushanna bypasses the timid tiptoeing and goes straight for Wells. He accepts her date card to the dismay of both Ashley and Jami, while Lauren less confidently but no less successfully entreaties Brett.
Double Date: Shushanna and Wells, Lauren and Brett
Our foursome leaves the beach for another beach, where they'll be taking surfing lessons. Lauren and Brett actually seem pretty capable, both standing up whereas Wells and Shushanna struggle a bit. After a nice montage, both couples snog as the sun sets. One important note: Shushanna goes by "Shu" (pronounced "Shoo"), which is the least attractive affectionate nickname I've ever heard.
Back at the Paradise Pad
The lonely hearts trio sits and stews, with Izzy and Jami commiserating while Nick counsels Ashley. Once again, his helpful words "Have you uhh...put thought into not getting a rose this week? Maybeeee...do that." are rendered less effective by a poor wardrobe choice.
I don't know if it would be more embarrassing to discover that's actually a girdle or that he thought it looked good.
Carly snogs Evan to the point of an ABC-censored erection, which may have been included just to prove the ED doctor isn't his own patient.
Apparently running low on material, Evan rehashes the confrontation from last episode. Amanda claims to be taking the concerns seriously, but she also claims to be thinking of her kids when she chooses to go on these shows. She has engagement on her mind as she prepares for a dinner date with Josh.
One-on-One Date: Josh and Amanda
Remembering Josh's second (maybe first?) love, a large pizza is awaiting their arrival at dinner:
I may not like him, but I'm impressed by the self-control required to take Amanda seriously rather than eating pizza.
Josh takes the lead and Amanda follows, obviously, while their food gets cold. They have an eighth-grade-level conversation and snog in front of some fireworks while I yawn and grab a new drink.
Back at the Paradise Pad
The double date participants return to a house of anxiety, where Wells begins navigating the murky waters he's landed in. He seems to succeed for the moment, managing his three love triangles (Jami and Ashley, Jami and Shushanna, Shushanna and Ashley) orally.
Jami takes Wells first, snogging while Shushanna plays a more (it's a low bar) subtle card, complimenting Wells's skills as a kisser in front of Ashley. Panicked, she takes Wells aside for a snog, completing the trifecta.
TO BE CONTINUED
This episode racked up 37 drinks according to our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game Rules, bolstered by Wells's kissing booth and a slew of animal shots spliced into snog sessions.
...
I'm really happy this show ends next week.
