Bachelor in Paradise Recap Episode 8: Josh Goes Ballistic and Ashley Stops Crying...Briefly
Only three episodes remain in Season 3 of Bachelor in Paradise, and I think the producers will be pulling out the stops to any bottled up drama. Evan and Ashley are still around to ruin full segments, but we can cross our fingers and hope they're marginalized!
At the Paradise Pad
Caila continues her attempt to reason with Ashley, which is obviously a mistake. Sensing the futility of her efforts, she slips in a comment about Jared loving Ashley like a sister. Dragonflame Burn of the Week Knucks, Caila!
As Jared approaches, Ashley starts crying. Again. This is worse than watching the High Sparrow review scripture; at least Game of Thrones had the decency to space it out over ten weeks. On the bright-but-also-dark side, Ashley cites one legitimate reason for bawling when she reveals her dog died recently. As tired as I am of your antics, knucks of sorrow to you, Ashley.
Wells is the latest arrival to the Paradise Pad, triggering a big smile from Jared, who has a new person to throw at his crazy ex. Grant, Haley, and the rest of the contestants encourage him to pick Ashley; everyone on this show has grown so weary of her pity party, they're no longer concerned with remaining in the competition. Incredible, and understandable. Despite the suspicious nature of such aggressive, unanimous pushing, Wells has a nice chat with Ashley and decides to ask her out. I'll let our MVP, Daniel, channel the feelings of Jared and the viewers:
I wish Canadians got this excited when I was single and scored a date!
Later that Night
Jared and Caila celebrate Ashley's absence by snogging on the Communal Conjugal Beach Couch. Caila is feeling much more comfortable despite Jared's awful bracelets.
You're beaching wrong, Jared. The environment you're in is conducive to minimalist clothing and accessories.
One-on-One Date: Wells and Ashley
Our couple begins their date with what they call tacos; they either ordered tostadas by mistake or received the wrong food. Look at this:
Mmmmm a fried tortilla covered in vegetables that will fall off with each bite! Exactly what I hoped for when I ordered a taco!
As the conversation snags on Ashley's acknowledgement of Hanson as her favorite band, a stray or producer planted dog appears for them to feed. Either way, it's all good because dogs are awesome. Knucks, dogs.
They snog (first new snogging couple since Episode 6!) and walk through the city before sending a wish off in a fire lantern. Everything seems to be rolling along smoothly, but after they leave their lantern dramatically catches fire and falls to the ground.
The Next Morning
As the group relaxes in the pool, Lace makes a move on Carl right in front of Grant, who predictably doesn't respond happily. They take turns storming off on one another before finally talking, at which point they backslide and break up? Maybe? Whatever their relationship status, a crying Lace is consoled out of obligation by Amanda and Ashley.
Later that Night
Despite Jen's attempts to encourage Lace to approach Grant like a human, she chooses to sit on the couch opposite him while poor Brett is stuck in between:
I usually make this face to another outside party when ridiculous drama breaks out nearby, but props to Brett for sending it straight to Grant.
Grant attempts to converse with Lace, and seems to succeed...for the moment. Amanda offers Nick and Jen the upstairs bedroom for the night, but as they climb the stairs, Josh goes aggro and claims the bed for himself. Told multiple times Amanda has already fallen asleep, he wakes her up to passive-aggressively criticize her. What a bag of dicks he is.
The Cocktail Party
Lace reassures Grant because he "complements her weaknesses", which I assume means he demonstrates a semblance of sanity utterly lacking in her makeup. Evan and Carly go to the Communal Conjugal Beach Couch and tell each other they're falling in love. At least it's better than watching him whine to the camera.
Daniel makes a move to secure a rose from Haley by breaking out an enormous amount of American food: chicken nuggets, onion rings, and so much more. Look at this beast!
If you can't win a girl's heart with a serving platter of fried food, I don't know what this world is coming to.
His next attempt is on Izzy, who he presents with a lamp fancier than Brett's. Brett responds by snogging with Izzy right in his face. This is what Paradise should be!
Josh takes Amanda to the Communal Conjugal Beach Couch and recites a list of traits applicable to any person you're ever interested in. Check it out:
“I honestly, I didn’t know that I’d be meeting you, I didn’t know how special and how great and how beautiful you’d be. And it’s not just outside, you’re obviously gorgeous, but inside is what is so attractive to me, your qualities inside, you’re just a great person in general, you’re nice to people, you’re just beautiful and everything.”
Unfortunately for Josh, the twins have soured on him, and they take Nick aside to ask about his concerns. He says some reasonable things, but he does so wearing a jean jacket. Jean button-down? Whatever, it's a jean top, so his credibility is ruined.
Psst...Nick...there's a Canadian right down the beach from you; give it to him and just walk away.
Trusting Nick's assessment, the twins are determined to take action. But not before the Rose Ceremony!
The Rose Ceremony
- Carly gives Evan a you're-the-only-person-who-might-enjoy-this-ridiculous-outfit rose
Taking Amanda's atrocious contribution to this show's sense of style to a new level by making it a romper with full-length sleeves. Who told her this looked good? Someone should be held responsible!
- Ashley gives Wells an I-can-be-infatuated-with-someone-else-if-I-try! rose
- Izzy gives Brett a well-I-broke-up-with-Vinny-so-I-should-probably-keep-you rose
- Caila gives Jared a this-is-so-much-easier-now-that-we've-occupied-your-crazy-ex rose
- Lace gives Grant a you've-demonstrated-a-bare-minumum-of-sanity rose
- Amanda gives Josh an even-though-I-have-two-kids-I-have-no-BS-detector rose
- Haley calls Emily to join her on the stand, and they announce their withdrawal from the competition
As a result, Ryan, Carl, and Daniel are all headed home. Ryan and Carl, I barely recognize you. Daniel, you will be missed. You were the best, budday!
Before leaving, the twins take Amanda aside and detail their concerns through a large quantity of tears. Amanda is again forced to weigh breaking off the snog supply against asking questions of a days-old romantic interest. Josh, watching from above, moves to intercept after the twins leave. With practiced, aggressive words, he defends his intentions before gathering the other contestants to confront these rumors with the help of his crazy eyes:
Me?! An anger problem?! You want to say that a little closer over here?! I'm going to punch you to prove to everyone how even-tempered I am!
Nick steps up and asserts his belief that Josh may not be genuine. I'm a bit biased, but I think Nick comes away looking pretty good when the territorial gorilla that is Josh retreats to his domain. While Amanda rehashes the many people who have expressed concerns over Josh, he packs his bags to deliver an ultimatum. Obviously, Amanda disregards these warnings and asks Josh to stay. Maybe Amanda is the worst now; she's definitely the least perceptive:
“It’s just not fair there’s like so many other relationships here, no one bothers them. And then, like, there’s us, who it’s, like, it’s constant. Y’know?”
Yes, Amanda, it does seem strange that only Josh is generating this sort of negative attention.
The Morning After
Everyone but Wells sleeps in, leaving the door wide open for our newest arrival: Jami. She's been hoping to meet Wells, and they hit it off in the unusually quiet Paradise Pad. She asks Wells on a date, sending Jared and Caila right to the bar. Smart move, guys.
I was like, "did he say yes?" 'Yeah.' I was like, "is Ashley still in bed?" And they were like, 'yeah.' And I was like, well, "I need a drink."
Nick draws the short/nice guy straw and reveals this development to Ashley while the other contestants watch with bated breath, but she responds calmly. Eerily...calmly...hmmmm.
One-on-One Date: Jami and Wells
In an example of a pretty excellent Bachelor in Paradise date (unlike, say, a habanero kiss), Jami and Wells drive an ATV through the wilderness to an isolated waterfall. They nerd out about Batman and move quickly to snogging.
Back at the Paradise Pad
With Wells off on a date with another woman, Ashley returns to her favorite pastime: panicking about Jared. She takes Caila aside and starts laying on the guilt and complaints thickly. It seems to be working, unfortunately. C'mon Caila, this girl is insane! You can't let her bring you down like that! She leaves the conversation with the crazy ex and tells Jared she wants to leave. Ugh.
TO BE CONTINUED
This episode racked up 65 drinks based on our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game Rules. Results may vary if, like me, Ashley's incessant crying makes you incredibly thirsty.
