Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Season 5 Episode 3: Jordan and Jenna Win, Everyone Else Can Go Home Now
According to Hulu, this Episode 3 recap is a summary of the events taking place in Week 2, Part 2. Based on last season's schedule, the entire run of a season takes about five weeks. Keep that in mind as we pick back up with the profound connections forming in Paradise this week. If you missed Week 2, Part 1, you can find my recap here. If not, let's pull up our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game and dive right in!
Becca is searching for Colton, last seen crying like a baby on an all-expenses-paid vacation to Mexico. There's mild intrigue there with their recent breakup, but I have more questions about the arrangement of these Chatty Kathys:
The men of Bachelor in Paradise discussing how to look as casual as possible without loosening your abs.
- Do the Bachelor producers teach them all the one-arm listening posture? Is it the Bachelor equivalent of the skinny arm?
- If Becca went to find Colton, why haven't any of the women joined this discussion?
- Why isn't anyone at the bar? Are they forced to sit together like this? I refuse to believe 100% of them stayed voluntarily
- Oh wait, I don't see Jordan - Amateur Zoolander might be behaving rationally
- Do any of them look comfortable to you? Me neither.
- Is that three puka-shell necklaces on six visible necks? In 2018?!
Anyway, Colton somehow finds closure in his conversation with Becca and returns to the beach determined to stick it out and find a relationship in Paradise. The aforementioned Cathys are not pleased, particularly Cathy Chris:
Whoa, that's the same face I made when I noticed all the ridiculous necklaces!
Grumpy Goose (Chris) claims to be entirely unconcerned despite ample visual evidence to the contrary. Annaliese, meanwhile, hasn't stopped reaffirming her affection for Jordan to anyone within earshot. Luckily for her victims, Jordan's perfect woman has arrived. Jenna claims to be interested in deep conversations about life, which is slightly less believable than her second claim:
“I am an alien...like legitimately. But a nice, happy alien. I’m not - no lasers comin’ out of my eyes. Being an alien is hard on Earth, but then you also have the upper hand, because, y’know, you can like read people’s minds, and unzip your skin into your, um...invisible...”
I already committed to her being my favorite when she said "it's about to get coco-nuts" in the season intro, and I'm not going back on that now. Her voice also suggests she's either coming off or in the middle of a bender of some kind. This is the kind of shakeup this season needs.
She and Jordan immediately connect in some telepathic manner, likely an alien ability. The depth of her conversation with Jordan and the entirety of his emotions can be summed up in one image:
Should we start calling him Forrest Zoolander now? Derek Gump? Just add a "y" to the end of her name and we're there!
Meanwhile, Annaliese continues dropping delusion bombs on civilians (Kendall and Nysha this time), but the atrocities should be over soon because Jenna is taking Jordan on a date. As they piggyback away to prepare, the remaining cast discusses how perfect Jenna and Jordan are for each other in front of a despairing Annaliese.
One-on-One Date: Jenna and Jordan
The date between the alien and Amateur Zoolander involves a horse ride through the jungle. Jordan's steed decides to take an impromptu detour for a bite to eat, a surprise I can sympathize with from recent experience:
I can say from personal experience that if your horse wants to eat, it's gonna eat. That greenery is way too accessible to expect anything else.
The conversation between these two is about as deep as a neglected kiddie pool, but these two don't need words. They get right down to snogging and only let up after they've made it back to the Paradise Pad and have no excuses left for standing outside.
Back at the Paradise Pad
Annaliese's deteriorating confidence finally forces her to capitulate and admit to her anxiety before deciding to seek out a drink. It's not on camera, but I assume she puts down three or four shots as Jenna bops around in a bikini and Jordan uses all five positive adjectives in his vocabulary to describe their date. Much to Nysha's relief and my surprise, Jordan wastes no time pulling Annaliese aside to confirm what everyone else has seen since the extraterrestrial joined their ranks: he's way more into Jenna than her. He may be difficult to talk to, but he's taken the most direct approach I've ever seen on this show, even telling Annaliese he's giving his rose to Jenna. Knucks, Amateur Zoolander.
Jordan moves on to tell Jenna he broke the news to his 24-hour flame, and they get right back to snogging. Of course, someone in Paradise can't watch this without feeling compelled to interrupt, and Jordan's nemesis Chicken-David brings a birthday cake to Jenna the moment Jordan is out of frame. I probably wouldn't feel bad for David even if his imagination extended beyond chicken suits and awkwardly approaching anyone Jordan speaks to, but his feeble attempt engenders pity. I can only assume that was his goal after bringing over a mess of a cake and selecting Jordan as the topic of conversation.
As Professor Slater will tell you, you stop "killing it" the moment you announce it to your audience
With only a few hours left until the Rose Ceremony, everyone is doing mental math to determine which men's roses are available and where to spend their time. Eric and Angela get a snog in, Annaliese receives some generic reassurances from Colton, and a new woman arrives: Caroline. She comes equipped with a date card, and starts off talking to Joe. Kendall has a minor panic attack, but she seems to have a better conversation with John and asks him on the date. Annaliese continues freaking out.
She's not getting a flattering edit either. C'mon guys, she's having a hard time, and no one looks good blowing their nose!
Somehow, she decides to take her troubles to Jenna, of all people. She's banking on a Bachelor-coordinated date going poorly and receiving John's rose, so it's safe to say she's in trouble.
One-on-One Date: John and Caroline
In possibly the most normal date of the franchise, Caroline and John end up eating dinner on a restaurant patio. The only wrinkle appears to be the presence of a large number of cute critters, which repeatedly distract Caroline. Sympathy knucks for my shared-name friend John here:
Eventually they move past the name-the-random-animal game and find common ground in their mutual interest in finding a relationship. It's the lowest of bars given the context, but it's enough. They dance slowly and awkwardly in front of a mariachi band before snogging.
The Next Morning at the Paradise Pad
Jubilee is the next arrival to Paradise, and she starts making the rounds with her date card. First up is Kevin, most recently seen snogging Astrid. He says quite directly that he wants to see where things are going there before going on a date with anyone else, and the conversation wraps up. It doesn't go as well for Caroline, as John seems to fit Jubilee's type. Caroline makes a move of her own, walking John down to the beach for a cuddle session, but it's not intense enough to deter Jubilee, who asks John on a date. He accepts, and it gets awkward.
Jubilee cares not for Snuggs!
One-on-One Date: Jubilee and John
Their activity is ziplining, and the dork sparks are a-flyin'. They discuss mutual backgrounds in electronics before moving on to personal passions. Both played instruments (more than can be said for most couples on this show) and John moves in for a snog. For those keeping track at home, that gives John the lead in our Snogging Partner rule, which I don't think anyone saw coming.
Back at the Paradise Pad
Kenny leads Krystal to the beach for an impromptu Pad-date with candles, strawberries, and bubbly. It seems to backfire, with Krystal wanting to take things slower. It's fair to say Kenny is surprised.
It's like asking about a ZJ. "If you have to ask, big man, you can't afford it."
Tia reveals her insecurities to Chris, who briefly reassures her. She reads more into it than he says, but that's probably the theme of this season until Tia is eliminated.
After Kenny and Eric chase a metaphor involving rats and cheese far past the point at which it made sense, Krystal finds Chris (yes, the same Chris who just reassured Tia) lounging on a daybed and makes her move. She gets a snog for her efforts, giving the rest of us a light at the end of the Tia tunnel.
The next morning, Kevin lets Colton know that Chris snogged Krystal. He's predictably peeved on behalf of his ex, and goes to pass the information on to Tia. She's surprised given her conversation the night prior, and moves to confront the man who continues to call himself "the Goose" despite the nausea it induces.
Never, ever, ever say hello to this man. Simply doing so can burden you with enough bad juju to last a lifetime.
We'll have to wait until next week to find out where it leads!
Knucks
- The producers, for so successfully sequencing new arrivals to create chaos
- Amateur Zoolander (Jordan) for directly telling Annaliese he's all-in on Jenna
- Chris Harrison, for ditching pretense and only appearing once the entire episode despite three new arrivals to Paradise
- John, for pulling the upset and sitting atop the snogging leaderboard at any point this season
Demerits
- Amateur Zoolander, for saying "we're in the south hemisphere" - first, it's southern, and second, no you're not
- Chris, for referring to himself by his nickname and in the third person
- David, who can only be inspired to approach a woman if his nemesis Jordan has already snogged her
- Me, for accidentally deleting the first 40 minutes of this review on first draft
That's all for Episode 3! We racked up 103 drinks according to our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game Rules. Thank the alcohol gods for Jenna's butt; no one knows if it's attractive, but when it's censored 15 times in one episode, the booze must flow.
