Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Season 5 Episode 5: Leo Came in like a Wreeecking Balllllllll
When we left off last week, Tia and Colton were a thing again, Kevin was sharing sausage with Astrid, and Jordan was raging in a romphim. Rompaging, if you will (thanks Kat!). If you missed any of the action, you can find my recap here. If not, let's pull up our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game and dive right in!
The episode begins with Krystal "saging" the rest of the women, which involves burning a bundle of something (presumably sage) and waving it about. Jenna claims to be over Jordan, but I doubt her convictions outlast the first commercial break.
The first new arrival is Leo, who looks like a slightly handsome Weird Al Yankovic. Apparently he has a different effect on the women, who describe him as a "Fabio" and a "stallion". Am I really so wrong on this one?
My twitter poll shows 11 out of 11 voters found him unremarkable
Even Chris seems oddly impressed by Leo, but perhaps it's simply fear. At least Jordan has my back:
Jordan has spent a lot of time admiring his own hair, but they can both be shallow haircuts in resort clothes. They're not highlanders.
Leo compliments Jenna's teeth, she compliments his hair, and whatever he's putting down she seems to be picking up. The same goes for Krystal, whose butt is once again censored (drink). Chelsea is blown away in her conversation. I've seen more of this show than I would like, but this is probably the strongest reaction I've ever seen to a new arrival.
Leo ends up asking Kendall on a date, and she accepts. Joe isn't thrilled, and their farewell is the most awkward moment of the season:
Kendall panicked when Joe went for a kiss and launched herself onto him instead. I guess it worked?
One-on-One Date: Leo and Kendall
Leo and Kendall meet Jorge (former Paradise bartender, current romance novelist and photographer?) for a photoshoot. The theme is a hypothetical romance novel whose sole purpose is to bring former franchise contestants back to live television. It's terrible, and returns to the first episode's theme of perplexing spanglish:
Just pick a language! You have subtitles available to you!
After a quick snog, they pick up some champagne and get down to standard bland compliments with a touch of awkward physical contact:
"Mm, I love when you palm my head like a softball" said no one ever.
Back at the Paradise Pad
Joe seeks out Wells for some counseling (safer than asking him for a cocktail) and a beer (likewise). His future is in jeopardy given the glut of snogging footage spliced into his thoughts. Kendall returns and gives Joe a hug, which doesn't bode well. The ensuing conversation is painfully awkward. Kendall needs some time to think through her feelings, but with the roses in the women's' hands this week, time is something Joe doesn't have. Joe grabs another adult beverage and seeks out Jordan's counsel, which is like asking Charlie Kelly what to do in a getaway vehicle.
Astrid immediately detects Kendall's overwhelming interest in Leo and helps Kendall acknowledges the truth herself. She cries in the confessional at the prospect of turning Joe away while a less-infatuated Leo brings Chelsea over to the Paradise hot tub for a snog.
The Next Morning
Joe picks up right where he left off: with a beer. Appropriate reaction to spending your time with one romantic interest and remembering you're on Bachelor in Paradise, Joe.
Chris, of all people, begins Stanning for Joe right to Kendall's face. His efforts are likely neutralized by this smooth line from Leo:
“What I’m feeling with you is strong enough that...that I think there’s a story to be told. You know, there’s, like...there has to be, like...a beginning and an end and a middle.”
Literally everything has a beginning, end, and middle, Leo. Joe is determined to work harder on Kendall rather than pursuing another option, but the next date card arrives is addressed to Colton. I was totally just thinking about how much I missed hearing from him and Tia...
One-on-One Date: Colton and Tia
Tia comes into her second one-on-one date with Colton (and third overall) hoping to make things Facebook-official. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Jorge the bartender-turned-romance-novelist is back, hosting and announcing a dance competition for the sole purpose of bringing Raven and Adam into the show. Raven was a finalist on Nick's season and Adam was a bro on Rachel's season. Somehow the dancing competition turns into musical chairs, and I guess Colton and Tia win.
Tia bombards Raven with the same irrational exuberance we've seen from her all season, but doesn't get the response she hoped for. Raven doesn't think Colton's intentions are good, but Tia is, like, really sure this time around, y'all! Did I fall into a Delorean going 88 MPH? This sounds like every conversation I had with my friends about their dating lives in college.
Tia verbally commits to taking Raven's words to heart and talking to Colton about his intentions, but the impact will be negligible. I predict one question, one generic answer, and some quick snogging. At least when it does turn south, Raven has Tia's back:
That escalated quickly!
Tia, through tears, asks Colton...nothing. At all. Let's break down the exchange:
- Tia: "I don't want to go through heartbreak again. Feeling like...foolish. Raven is just terrified that I'm going to continue to have these low standards and just...let guys off the hook instead of like...she thinks that I'm just gonna continue like...to be in relationships with guys that don't treat me how I deserve to be treated." (One bland comment, not even a question)
- Colton: "You know that's not the case with me." (One generic answer)
- Tia: "That's what I was trying to tell her! Cause you are just, such a good guy. You have all these amazing qualities, and it's easy for me to see potential with you. But I also don't wanna be insecure in this." (They snog soon after)
Seriously, you guys, I'm so over these two. Colton asks Tia to be his girlfriend like any good 14-year old virgin would, and they snog to seal it.
Back at the Paradise Pad
Jordan attempts to rebuild his connection with Jenna, but she's keeping her options open. Speaking of which: Benoit is next to arrive, another import from the Bachelor Winter Games, formerly engaged to Clare. Jenna is immediately smitten, and Jordan is predictably unimpressed. Bias aside, he's right to criticize this:
At least he can move quickly from lounging at the Paradise Pad to playing pickup basketball at the Y. In 1960.
Benoit draws fellow Canadian Kevin aside to get a lay of the land, and he immediately steers him away from Tia. He mentions being tied up with Astrid, and then points his countryman towards Krystal.
In his initial conversation, he acknowledges wearing jorts to a resort in Mexico and calls Krystal Kendall. Not a great start, but he has an accent, so it's safe to assume all will be forgiven.
Sheesh, stop playing hard-to-get, ladies!
Jenna is his next target, and she's picking up everything he's putting down. Benoit asks her on a date, she accepts, and they literally sprint off to change clothes. Joe and Jordan bond over their similar circumstances.
One-on-One Date: Benoit and Jenna
Jenna dressed up quite a bit for her one-on-one date this evening. Benoit did not, at least by American standards:
I guess these are his dress jorts?
Benoit asks about Jordan, and after some bland reassurances, they get down to snogging. Unfortunately for Benoit, her lipstick goes eeeverywhere:
Is there some in his soul patch? I'm not claiming to be any kind of Don Juan, but I question how that happened.
We get another Lady and the Tramp moment with a churro, Jenna carries Benoit down the street, and Paradise's newest couple wraps up their date.
Back at the Paradise Pad
When Benoit and Jenna return, everyone but Jordan has gone to sleep, and he's prepared a surprise for her: "I'm Sorry" written in the sand.
Jenna is appropriately (read: not very) impressed with a gesture that may have taken five minutes, and Jordan heads to his room dejected.
Not much of a cliffhanger, but we'll be back next week to see what happens with our latest love triangle!
Knucks
- Chris Harrison for making as many appearances as Fs he gives: zero
- Joe for immediately seeking out a beer after watching Kendall run off on another date
- Raven for supplying direct advice to Tia
Demerits
- Benoit for wearing jorts to a beach resort in Mexico. Wait, scratch the context: Benoit for wearing jorts
- Krystal and Jenna for giving Benoit a pass on his jorts and mid-length socks because of his foreign accent
- Tia and Colton for everything they do on this show, and the ABC producers for pushing it
That's all for Episode 5! We tallied 91 drinks according to our Bachelor in Paradise Drinking Game Rules with the return of some overzealous censorship. Tune in next week to see whose butt (probably Jenna's) gets blocked out next!
